I used to be self righteous, but I’m okay now!!
Leaving my self righteousness behind, was like sawing off my own leg.
After my head was dunked in water in the Catholic church at a few days old, I thought I had to be perfect.
On school days, I had to bless myself with holy water from Lourdes, mailed by Irish aunts, who went there on pilgrimages.
Before going to bed, I had to kneel at my mom’s bedside and recite the rosary, praying on each bead of the long necklace.
By age 10, I was a morality snob, who thought God told me what was right and wrong, and who looked down on people who didn’t follow the same rules as me.
The Sunday masses, Wednesday Novena masses for the hopeless, and Thursday after school cathecism classes all thoroughly indoctrinated me.
Trying to be perfect meant denying my shadow, which disconnected me from other mortals with a shadow.
Instead of bringing me closer to God, being self righteous brought me further away from humanity and Him.
I feared I would crumble if anyone saw my shadow, and the more I fought it, the bigger it got.
Then the shadow of the church became apparent, and blocked out the sun, and, like a volcano, everything exploded.
With my veil of illusion lifted, I had to face myself with radical personal honesty after lying to myself for years.
My shadow was whipping me to the core. I started seeing my humanity and it was going to change my mind and open it and free it. It was going to force me to be honest and fearless with its’ danger.
I still loved God personally, and now saw him as a loving friend, not an extremist. He loved me as a person with challenges, who must make choices, like everyone else.
I understood my challenges were different than other people’s challenges, but the point was to understand we all had challenges to face and work on. That makes us humble. The point was to understand that, not to be blind to it.
My shadow was the secret to my gypsy soul, and my angel heart. God loving me when I fail is more beautiful than anything. That is the power of the shadow. It protects me from danger and helps me grow. It makes me feel the pain and the beauty of being human.
I thought it was too painful to look at my failures, but it was the only way to improve, and it set me free to feel them.
The pain of your flaws show you how great you are, and our tears are cried together as humans, and we can thank our shadows for making our lights shine brighter.